Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Everyone says I win the strip club
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
