i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
