I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
