That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
