You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
