people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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