the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My feet surprised me
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
