2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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