yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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