so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
