i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
