were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
