I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
