She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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