My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
