I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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