If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
