dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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