he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
There's even glitter on my cock...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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