Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
