if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
