Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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