i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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