I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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