ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
