The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
