Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize