a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
3 2 1 whiskey
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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