weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
