Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
