Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
birth control should be required to get into college
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize