suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
