Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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