Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
