I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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