I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
