In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
