Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize