you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
