Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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