Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
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