Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
