How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
