I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Send help, water and tortillas.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize