I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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