The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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