Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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