I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
