I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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