How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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