I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
