I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
home. puking in laundry basket.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
