sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
