She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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