does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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