My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
