You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
