Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
porn star boner night. come get it.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
