You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
